SNAPE: Evildoers beware; I shall strike terror into your hearts!
FAMILIAR VOICE (from the turret stairwell): Oh, bollocks, not that stupid slogan again! As if your "bottle fame, brew glory" speech at the beginning of every year wasn't tedious enough!
SNAPE (not changing the pose, but obviously annoyed): Be quiet and get out here.
SNAPE (turning): So help me, Boy Wonder Who Lived, if I have to come and get you...!
VOICE (okay, it's Harry, but we still can't see him): It's effing freezing out there! I'm not coming out there in these stupid little green pants!
SNAPE: They match your eyes. Besides, we have a crime to investigate.
(HARRY POTTER, dressed in a red-and-green costume with a yellow cape, and looking like nothing so much as a box of fucking Crayolas, storms out onto the turret. And yes, the green pants are VERY tiny.)
HARRY: A crime?! You lunatic! You do this every time you misplace something in the damn Potions storeroom! You call it a crime and go swanning off to your costume closet--
SNAPE: Snape-cave, you disrespectful brat!
HARRY: Oh, please. Don't make me laugh. What makes you think anything's even been stolen this time? You're getting so absent minded--
SNAPE: I put the creeping aspidistra leaves EXACTLY on the third shelf of the storeroom, ninth from the left, IN alphabetical order as USUAL, you insolent ignoramus of an imp!
HARRY: Oh, and NOW you're channelling Dr. Smith! Honestly, I don't know why I go along with this! If it weren't for the fact that you're INCREDIBLY horny after these little escapades...
SNAPE: I can't help it. You're delicious in those shorts.
HARRY (holds up a hand): Put a hold on the subtext, Bat-Boner, we're NOT doing it on a sub-zero windswept turret. You couldn't have been the snuggling-by-the-fireplace kind of pederast?
SNAPE (predatory smile): I think we're both partial to that one as well.
HARRY: Well, then, can we get ON with this so we can on with THAT? And I'm going to drink all of your Chivas Regal after this to get warm too.
SNAPE: Do that... thing, would you? Just for me?
HARRY: Oh, not NOW!
SNAPE: Don't make me beg. It's not becoming to my dark vigilante persona.
HARRY: Oh, all right. Anything to get this over with. "Holy Hapless Hufflepuffs, BatSnape!"
SNAPE (moaning): Ooh, I LOVE that...
HARRY: God, what I put up with. Just because you're a fantastic lay...
SNAPE (preening just a little): At least you admit it.
HARRY: I admit that I'm FREEZING. If you want me to have any balls to ENJOY after this, then please just let's get this DONE! (muttering) Fucking aspidistra leaves... Mrs. Norris probably just got into it thinking it was catnip again...
(SNAPE has been scanning the grounds below)
SNAPE: Look, Boy Wonder Who Lived! Over there! (points)
HARRY (very grumpily): I can't see shit and you know it. You made me leave my glasses in my room because they "don't look right with the COSTUME," remember, you bat-twat?
SNAPE (ignores him) I think I see the perpetrator! Come, we must get down to the grounds before he reaches the Forbidden Forest.
HARRY (whines): Can't we just go down the stairs tonight?
SNAPE: No chance. (whips rope and grappling hook out of utility belt)
HARRY (muttering) I'm getting the Chris O'Donnell version of this costume for next time, I swear I am...
(SNAPE secures the hook on the side of the turret.)
SNAPE: Stop bitching. Look, I'll even go first.
HARRY: Oh, you just want to watch my arse!
(They begin to descend. After a few feet HARRY stops.)
HARRY: What is THAT?
HARRY: That music! You went and got your own fucking SOUNDTRACK MUSIC, didn't you?!
SNAPE: I think it adds to the atmosphere. Keep climbing.
HARRY: Goddammit, if I could reach my wand I'd...
(They get to the bottom.)
SNAPE: This way!
HARRY: If you were REALLY cool you'd have a Batmobile waiting for us down here...
(They head off. Much cape-billowing ensues. Finally SNAPE gestures HARRY back, takes a batarang off of his utility belt, and throws it into the darkness beyond.)
VOICE: OW! That fucking HURT!
(HARRY and SNAPE charge forward to confront a figure in a purple catsuit, one hand to head. The catsuit also has a cowl, and this one has little pointed cat ears.)
HARRY: Hi, Draco.
PURPLE CATSUITED FIGURE: I'm not Draco, I'm Catman, you idiots!
HARRY: Yeah, whatever, Draco.
(The figure pushes back the cowl to reveal the familiar blond-haired Slytherin.)
DRACO: How'd you know it was me?
HARRY: Oh, please. You're wearing a purple catsuit so tight I can tell what religion you are. It wasn't that difficult.
SNAPE: Harry, you slut! Are you telling me...
HARRY: Oops. Forgot you didn't know about that.
DRACO: It was just that one time, though, Professor, in the Astronomy Tower.
HARRY: Yeah. Oh, and that one time in the Divinations classroom.
DRACO: Oh, I forgot about that. And the Quidditch locker room...
HARRY (wistfully): Remember that time when we went for a ride on my Firebolt?
DRACO: Oh, yeah. St. Swithin's Day. How could I have forgotten that? That thing balances so well... I had you on your back moaning "Ooh, so are we in the Mile High Club yet?" while I sucked your--
SNAPE: LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS! We're here to get back the creeping aspidistra!
DRACO: I don't have it.
SNAPE: You're holding it in your hands.
DRACO: Oh. Yeah. (Looks down at the package guiltily) I don't know why I ever thought this catsuit was a good idea. No pockets. (Fingers whip coiled at waist) At least it came with one of these, though.
SNAPE: Hand it over-- the LEAVES, dolt. (DRACO sheepishly hands the package back.) Fifty points from Slytherin. What were you planning to do with it, you foolish boy?
DRACO (squirms): None of your business.
SNAPE: One hundred points. And a detention organizing my Snape-cave.
HARRY (to DRACO): He just means his costume closet.
DRACO (angry, giving in): All RIGHT! We-- Vin and Greg and I -- we--we were going to smoke it!
HARRY: You gotta be kidding me.
SNAPE: Smoke it?! I cannot believe today's youth has gone so wayward!
DRACO: Well, I -- see, I found this old hookah in with my dad's old school memorabilia...
SNAPE (guilty start): Oh, that thing.
HARRY (looks at him in surprise, then laughs): Busted! "Wayward youth" my arse! And don't give me that "never inhaled" crap!
SNAPE: I can't believe Lucius still HAD that thing...!
HARRY (announcer voice):"This meeting of the Junior Death Eaters will come to order... first item is... Dude, I've got major munchies, let's cut this short and go eat!"
DRACO: Yeah, Professor, if you didn't want us to know about YOUR wayward youth, you shouldn't've left that thing around!
SNAPE: What can I say? (Mugs at fourth wall in classic Batman fashion) Some days, you just can't get rid of a bong.
HARRY: Are you quite DONE? I'm still freezing out here in these stupid hot pants!
DRACO: They match your eyes.
HARRY: Would you PLEASE stop SAYING that?!
SNAPE: And I'll thank you to stop flirting with MY boyfriend, you shameless little harlot!
DRACO (irritated): Whatcha going to do about it, then? Take off more points, you loony secret-identity-fetish pillock?
SNAPE: Actually, I've been considering something else. Mmm, that catsuit IS tight, isn't it...
DRACO (suddenly intrigued): Oh, yes, everso. (lasciviously, to SNAPE:) Ooh, I'd do anything if someone would help me loosen it a little...
SNAPE (advancing on him): Well, it's important to temper justice with mercy, I always say...
HARRY (who can see where this is going): HEY!
(He is ignored.)
DRACO: Oh, your utility belt is so BIG...
(Passionate snogging between SNAPE and DRACO ensues. DRACO's caressing the utility belt for all he's worth the whole time.)
HARRY (all but stamping feet): This isn't FAIR!
(The two stop tongue kissing long enough to fix him with a look.)
HARRY: Er... all right, given that I was doing Draco behind Severus's back, I guess fair isn't the issue, but I... I mean I really... Oh, hell.... (resigned sigh) Can I... can I watch, at least?
(DRACO and SNAPE grin. Then they resume snogging)
SNAPE: Mmmmph-- so do you-- mmph-- know how to USE this whip?
DRACO: Mmrrroooowwwrrrr. (smiles)
(A bleeping noise startles them.)
SNAPE: What was that?
HARRY: Oh for fuck's sake. If you don't know how a cell phone works
then why do you carry one around?
SNAPE: Because it looks cool with the costume. (Pulls out of Draco's embrace long enough to take red cell phone out of utility belt, hit button and put it to his ear) Yes, Commissioner?
DUMBLEDORE (from where he's standing, not six feet away)
ALL BUT DUMBLEDORE: YAAAGGH! (Do little jump away from him)
HARRY (clutching chest) Don't DO that!
DUMBLEDORE: Hello, boys. Harry, I like those shorts. They match your
eyes. (As HARRY makes gagging noises and tries to restrain himself
from decking his headmaster) Severus, we have a problem that I think might be uniquely suited to your abilities and... uh, shall we say, proclivities.
SNAPE (self-consciously fingering the edge of his cape):
What do you
DUMBLEDORE: It would appear that Gilderoy Lockhart has escaped from
St. Mungo's. A potion attempting to restore his memory accidentally
turned his hair green and he was last seen wearing a purple pinstriped suit and giggling wildly.
(All but DUMBLEDORE exchange a look.)
ALL BUT DUMBLEDORE: Oh, fuck.