Despoiling Harry

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The characters and the situations within these fanfiction stories are not my property. They are the property of J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, and others, and are used without permission; challenge to copyright is not intended and should not be construed. No profit is being made from the use of these characters and situations; these written-down imaginings are only presented in an internet forum for the interest of and consumption by the like-minded individuals who enjoy them and recognize them as unauthorized fanfiction only, and are not in any way meant to be confused with the originals NOR presented as authorized materials of these owners.

Fifty-three Stories About Snape and Black
by Amanuensis

Summary: A parody written for the Intimate Enemies (Snape/Black) FQF, consisting of all 53 challenges, answered.
Pairings: mostly Snape/Black (how odd!)
Categories: Humor, Parody

1. Severus' cover as a spy is blown. How does Sirius react to the proof that Severus really is one of the good guys? (Jean Tarin)

Sirius: Let me see. Nope, still hate him.

2. Sirius will do anything to make amnends for the way he treated Severus during their school days. Will Severus accept? (Jean Tarin)

Severus: Lift it a little higher, I can't see.
Sirius: Well, it IS such an awesome weapon.
Severus: Very funny, Black. Oh, there, now I see. "Snape" on the right one...
Sirius: And over here...
Severus: ..."Rules" on the left one. Well. I suppose that must have hurt.
Sirius: Oh, yeah.
Severus: Hurt very badly.
Sirius: OH, yeah.
Severus: Good.
Sirius: So, am I forgiven?
Severus: Let's discuss what you're going to tattoo on your "awesome weapon," and we'll see.

3. Harry finds out that his godfather and that "greasy old git" have a thing. How does he react? (Jean Tarin)

Sirius: Well, you see, Harry, we do have a thing. In fact, all boys and all men have a thing. It's a very treasured part of our anatomy, and we couldn't go pee-pee without it...
Severus: Merlin's tits, Black, not THAT kind of "thing."
Sirius: Oh.

4. As teenagers, Sev and Siri bury the hatchet. (Jean Tarin)

*pun about "In each other's head" discarded*

*pun about actual ground burial of actual hatchet discarded*


"It's rather an odd name for one's John Thomas, but who cares. Slam it into me, Severus baby."

5. Severus and Sirius are stuck in an abandoned cabin during a blizzard with only one blanket. (Tasogare)

And are found by Dumbledore the next morning, both of them frozen to death and with the shredded remains of one blanket between them. The end.

6. AU. Sirius ends up in Slytherin. (Tasogare)
7. AU. Severus ends up in Gryffindor. (Tasogare)

"Delicious meal, Godric. How was your Filet of Greasy Git?"
"Wonderfully rich, Salazar. And your Canine Surprise?"

8. Either Severus or Sirius gets amnesia. (Tasogare)

"You're my lover; I bottom; I wear a French maid costume, but to work, not to bed; in bed I wear moose antlers...something tells me I'm not buying this."

9. One of the pair is blinded in an accident. (Tasogare)

Sirius: My eyes, my eyes!!!
Severus: (fingers bloody spork lovingly) It was an accident.

10. Sirius is stuck in his animagus form and Severus is the only one who can help him out of it. (Tasogare)

"Puppy kibble, boy, come get it. Later, we'll get your leash and go walkies. (Looks at audience) What? I said I could help him--never said I would."

11. Sirius writes Severus a letter to apologize for EVERYTHING. (Tasogare)

"Dear Snivellus, I'm sorry that Adam and Eve ate the apple, and I'm sorry that Cain slew Abel, and I'm sorry that Lucifer rebelled and was cast out of heaven, and I'm sorry that--what do you mean, too sarcastic, Headmaster?"

12. The boys have detention together. (Tasogare)

"What are you here for?"
"Jinxed all the Hufflepuff brooms to fly backwards. You?"
"Painted Fawkes green."
"No shit?"
"No shit."
"Wanna shag?"


13. One of the pair has a strange fetish and is suprised to find that the other enjoys it as well. (Tasogare)

"You're kidding. You like the Ear Wax flavored ones TOO?"

14. Sirius finds out that Remus has been cheating on him. Severus comforts him. (Tasogare)

"I know this is a hard thing to go through, Black. May I offer some comfort?"
"Snape. It was YOUR prick in Remus's mouth."
"Your point being?"

15. AU. Albus decides that instead of living with his relatives, Harry will live with Severus and/or Sirius. (Tasogare)

Sirius: Let him stay with me, Albus. I am his godfather, after all.
Snape: Oh, yes, and that immediately makes you qualified for child-rearing. Even I could do a better job.
Sirius: That's a laugh.
Snape: You doubt me? Fine. Albus, I volunteer to raise the boy.
Sirius: The hell! Come on, Albus, give me the chance. I'll alternate days with someone, if you want.
Snape: Oh, yes, won't that be a stable home life for the child, shuffled back and forth like that.
Sirius: Wouldn't have to. Everyone raising him would live in the same house.
Snape: That's ridiculous.
Sirius: Knew you were bluffing.
Snape: Bluffing?! You flea-infested mutt! Fine! I agree!
(Dumbledore just stands there, holding baby Harry, inwardly smiling at how sneaky he can be sometimes, getting couples together.)

16. AU. Pettigrew is caught sometime before Harry's third year. (Tasogare)

"Sirius? What's for afters?"
"Well, we've got rat pie, rat cake, rat pudding, rat sorbet..."

17. AU. Despite being in the same House, Sirius and James never become friends. (Tasogare)

The boys took one look at each other and glared, and could be heard muttering, "Still the prettiest," whenever they passed each other in the hallway.

18. Post OotP - Voldemorte brings Sirius back from the dead, hoping to find a way to achive immortality. Severus has to save Sirius. (Tasogare)

Snape: Get back behind that veil, you wretched mongrel! (shoves)
Sirius: Aieeeeee...!
Harry: You enjoyed that, didn't you?
Snape (smiling): Maybe.


19. One of the pair catches a cold and has to be nursed back to health. (Tasogare)

"Come on, let me hear you: 'May I please have the chicken noodle soup, Severus?' It just sounds so cute when you're all stuffed up like this."

"Leabe be alode, you borod."

20. Make Severus and Sirius the main characters of your favorite movie, book, or TV show. (Tasogare)

"We're trapped on a spaceship and there's a vicious slime-drooling alien stalking us and we're both going to die horrible deaths?"
"Apparently the author's favorite movie doesn't have a lot of romance."

21. A time-turner sends the pair back to the Middle Ages. (Tasogare)

"Nice going, Snivellus."
"Hanged for witchcraft, hanged for buggery. Whatever."

22. AU. Due to abandonment, an accident, or whatever, one of the pair grow up thinking that they are a Muggle. (Tasogare)

"But I don't want to go away to school!"
"You get to learn magic."
"I don't care!"
"You get to fly on a broomstick."
"I don't care!"
"You get to sleep in a room with five other boys."
"'Scuse me, I've got to pack."

23. During nighttime exploration of the castle, Severus discovers a door that leads to a tropical island. He also finds Sirius, asleep on the beach. (Tasogare)

Severus: If this were Bali Ha'i, you'd be prettier.

24. Sirius looses a bet and has to be Severus' servant for a month. (Tasogare)

"I don't mind cooking, cleaning, back massages, or even the sexual servicing. But I will not dress in a tea-towel and call myself Neebly!"

25. Bad Pun Challenge: Include at least 10 bad puns in your story. Bonus points if they're actually funny! (Jean Tarin)

"You worm, would you really try to get me in your bed? You think we're all in a fever few could resist, over you. You clever, vain bastard. Come freely and get a taste of Sirius Black, that's the song you sing, and a seed of lust is planted in your victim. I'll bet anything you'd try to seduce any man, Draco Malfoy included. You are such a whore, hound. Well, a campaign like that won't work on me. You'll rue having tried it!"
"Oh, for god's sake, Severus, I just asked you to pass the salt."

(A/N: Yes, I had my herbal open. Praise will be heaped on anyone who got all ten.)

26. Sev and Siri go skinny dipping. (Jean Tarin)

"Threesome with the giant squid! Woo-hoo!"

27. AU. One of the pair is an alcoholic/addict. The other helps. (Jean Tarin)

"Put it down, Black."
"Just this last one."
"Put it down and repeat after me, Black."
"'I control the internet porn, it does not control me.'"
(bawling) "Just one more Harry/Draco fic, pleeeeease!"

28. Sev and Siri get drunk/stoned together. (Jean Tarin)

"You're gonna kiss me now, right?"
"You got it."
"And we're gonna shag like bunnies, right?"
"Just like every night for the past ten years of our lives."
"Sounds about right."
"Remind me why we needed to get drunk for it, then?"
"Because the butterbeer was almost at its expiration date. C'mon, give me some sloppy tongue, cutie."

29. Sev in drag. (Jean Tarin)

"It is a nightshirt. A plaid flannel nightshirt. I am not in drag."
"Yeah, whatever. Cute knees, hot stuff."
30. One of the pair has a fetish that the other cannot handle. (Jean Tarin)

Sirius: Oh, come on!
Severus: Black, you shagging Draco Malfoy on the weekends does NOT count as a fetish, you two-timing prick.

31. As boys, Sev and Siri are in a relationship. What went wrong to cause "The Shriking Shack Incident"? (Jean Tarin)

"I'm never speaking to you again!"
"But Sev, baby! Werewolf sex! I thought you'd think it was fun! C'mon, Sev, baby, forgive!"

32. Old Joke Challenge: Include at least ten old jokes in your story. (Ex. I just flew in, and boy are my arms tired!) Bonus points if anyone laughs! (Jean Tarin)

"Who was that witch I saw you with last night?"
"That was no witch, that was my hag! Ooh, I kill myself!"
"Not remotely funny. I went to a fight yesterday and a Quidditch match broke out!"
"Not even. You know why witches ride broomsticks? 'Cause vacuum cleaners are too heavy!"
"What's a vacuum cleaner?"
"I dunno. How many Gryffindors does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"You're assuming we know what a lightbulb is."
"Is that a pun about obeying the Dark Lord?"
"Okay, okay. Gryffindors don't need lightbulbs; they're always on the light side! How many Slytherins does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Slytherins don't change lightbulbs, they get house-elves to do it for them! How may Hufflepuffs does it take?"
"Don't know. They all trip over each other on the way screaming 'I'll do it!' How many Ravenclaws?"
"Only THEY know and they won't tell. Travelling salesman shows up at a farmhouse for the night. Farmer says, 'You'll have to sleep with the pigs.' Salesman says, 'Great! I'm a werewolf and I love pork!'"
"Ooh, that was awful. Why's a wizard wear red suspenders?"
"Because he's Gilderoy Lockhart, he'll wear anything! Hey, I got one more for ya. Voldemort walks into a bar with Wormtail on his shoulder. Bartender says, 'We don't serve rats in here.' Voldie says..."
"I know, I know..."

33. SPOILER CHALLENGE: Sev (and others?) set out to rescue Siri. Both must be alive at the end of your story. (Jean Tarin)

Severus: Let's see... "Black, your mother was a revolting hag!"
Remus: That won't work. He always thought that himself.
Severus: How about this: "You're a flea-infested, rat-eating, balls-licking mutt!"
Harry: Pathetic, Snape. You're not even trying.
(Snape looks at them. Steps right up to the archway.)
Snape: I'm screwing your best friend AND your godson.
(Sirius erupts in a fury from behind the veil)
Sirius: You fucking bastard!
All (with open-armed glee) Sirius!


34. Lupin plays matchmaker to Sirius and Snape. (Twentieth Century Boy)

"Black, why on earth is Lupin running about wearing a babushka and speaking in Yiddish?"
"I really don't think I want to know."

35. AU Humor fic: Snape is secretlt the Lord of the Dance - a.k.a. Micheal Flatly under a glamour spell. What happens when Sirius walks in on him one night in tight lycra pants and headband performing an energetic Irish jig? (Twentieth Century Boy)

"And here, my dear student healers, in this locked ward we have our Incurables. Case number 21034, Sirius Black, has not spoken a word since 1997, though we have found he will whimper whenever 'Simple Gifts' is played in the vicinity..."

36. A very embarassing first-time sex fic involving any or all of the following: The Great Hall, Lupin walkin in, Dumbledore offering awful advice, tacky strawberry scented lube, a shameful score out of ten from Nearly Headless Nick, and large amounts of inexperienced fumbling and red0faced mistakes. Must be post PoA. (Twentieth Century Boy)

"Um, Harry? Why does everything at the table taste like strawberries?"
"Dunno, but I heard Professor Lupin swear he's never eating in the Great Hall again."
"Everyone's acting weird. I saw Dumbledore slipping some galleons to Sir Nicholas and he looked right vexed, and Snape was running down the corridor, picking animal hairs off his robes and looking sheepish."

37. Harry comes of age and wants to consummate his relationship with his boyfriend/girlfriend. He asks Sirius for advice; the problem is that Sirius doesn't have any advice becasue he's a virgin, too, and thouroughly embarassed about the fact. So, to facilitate giving advice to poor, innocent Harry, Sirius looks for help in a most unexpected place: Snape's dungeon (It's up to you to provide the reason that he doesn't ask Lupin, but you're not allowed to make Lupin senselessly mean or inconsiderate.) Unfortunately for Sirius, Snape is also as pure as snow. Now armed with this intimate information about each other, Sirius somehow coerces Snape into spending time researching sex with him in the library, naughty shops, asking bawdy women, etc. Will they out any of what they learn into practice with each other? (Twentieth Cewntury Boy)

"I have to confess something. I lied. I've slept with everyone from the Hogwarts staff to ministry officials and even most of the senior students. I did the entire Chudley Cannons team on a bet once. I lied because I thought maybe that way I could get you into bed too."
"Did you sleep with Remus?"
"I'm sorry."
"What about Harry?"
"What? No, of course not; wasn't this all about him asking you to--Well, anyway, no, not him."
"I'm sorry."
"Not Harry."
"Definitely not Harry."
"...If I forgive you, can we do the thing with the nipple clamps and the spray cheese again?"
"I was hoping you'd say that."

38. AU. The Wizarding World is openly at war with Voldemorte.Sirius is still on the run, Severus is spying against Voldemorte. The aurors are having probems catching anyone, and the press is giving them a bad time. They decide to go after known Death Eaters (Severus included), even if they've been cleared. At the same time, Sev's cover with Voldemorte is blown. With everyone out for his blood, and Sirius so good at not being caught, Dumbledore sends Sev to stay with Siri. (Stacey)

"Look, I fixed supper. Figured you should know what it's like to eat like a fugitive, Snivellus."
"Raw rat. Oh, very funny."

39. Harry & Ron on detention scrubbing the Gryffindor toilets. They clean off enough filth to reveal the graffito "Severus Snape sux dogs dix". They investigate. (Margiejok)

"We should clean this off. Snape'll go ballistic."
"The spelling more than the sentiment."
"Too right."

40. Teenage Severus and Sirius are lost in Muggle London at night. (Tasogare)

"I thought it was a minion of the Dark Lord."
"It was a MIME."
"Well, you could have stopped me before I hexed the bugger."
"Nah, I hate them too."
"You think we'll be here long?"
"Dunno. I still can't figure out why they wouldn't tell us where the fireplace was when they said they'd let us have one call."

41. One of the pair has an annoying habit the other tries to break him of. (Tasogare)

"If you shout 'Tally-ho!' one more time during orgasm, I'm denying you sex for the rest of our lives."

42. Forced to help clean the attic of the heaquarters, Severus keeps finding things that embarrass, tramatise, or even attack Sirius. (Tasogare)

"It was the SEVENTIES."
"*I* never wore them."
"Yes, but your waistband came up to your bloody armpits; don't look so smug."

43. Severus discovers that Sirius' dad experimented on him as a child, leading to interesting results. (Tasogare)

"He gave me suboptimal doses of Vitamin C. Dad wasn't very creative as far as experiments go."
"So you really are a 'scurvy dog,' then."
"I'll get you for that, Snivellus."

44. Due to an accident, Severus is transformed into the cute, cuddly baby animal of your choice. (Tasogare)

"Ooh, a puppy! Sirius, I think you're the obvious choice to housebreak him."
"My arse. C'mere, pup, Padfoot will show you how to mark the Headmaster's study as 'territory.'"

45. Severus discovers that Sirius has been punishing himself for pranks and other "failures" with self-mutalation. (Tasogare)

"You got an earring."
"Yes. It's my punishment to myself for the Shrieking Shack episode."
"You almost get me KILLED and you've decided that's sufficient punishment. An EARRING."
"Well, it's a fairly girly earring, after all."

46. Severus and Sirius are literally stuck together for 24 hours. (Tasogare)

"I told you that wasn't lube. You never listen to me."
"Oh, shut up."

47. Severus finds a wounded dog in the Forbidden Forest and cares for it, not knowing that it is Sirius. (Tasogare)

"It rubs the lotion on its skin."
"BARKBARKBARKBARK! (translation: I have no opposable thumbs to open the damn bottle and LET ME OUT OF THIS PIT YOU GODDAMN BASTARD!!!)"

48. James discovers that Sirius and Severus have been having a secret affair and tries to break them up. (Tasogare)

James: C'mon, Severus, I'm really attracted to you.
Severus: Suddenly I've become irresistable to Marauders. Could it be a trap?...Nah.

49. A messed up charm traps the pair in a faerie tale where they have to play the story out in order to escape. (Tasogare)

"Bags I'm not the one wearing the mermaid's tail!"

50. Severus finds Sirius in an embarassing situation. (Tasogare)

Severus: It's fine, really.
Sirius: No, it's not.
Severus: We can just cuddle.

51. Harry finds a picture of Sirius and Severus being more friendly than he thought possible and wants and explanation. (Tasogare)

Sirius: Um, I don't suppose you'd believe me if I said he'd been bitten by a snake and I was trying to suck out the venom?
Harry: NO.

52. AU. What if Harry had seen something different in Snape's pensive or saw more memories? What would he have seen? (Tasogare)

Harry: Sirius, I just saw a memory of Snape in a revival of South Pacific singing "Younger Than Springtime." May I borrow that spork, please?

53. Sirius buys Severus a Christmas or birthday present. (Tasogare)

"This 'eye-book' seems more trouble than it's worth...All right, I've opened this thing you call a "browser," and as instructed, I'm typing in..., why on earth would this interest m--OH MY GOD!!!"


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